So you went on a date with a guy from a dating personals ad and it’s been over three days and he still hasn’t called you back. Has he lost your number? No. Is he too busy saving the world? Unless you call playing PS3 saving the world, then no. There are reasons men don’t call girls after meeting them through online personals ads and here are 10 reasons why:
You’re Too Easy
Some guys like to work for their sex and if you give it up faster than Lindsay Lohan on a casting couch, we don’t want what you have to offer since it’s quite evident that you are offer it up a lot!
You’re A Bitch
There is such a thing of playing “too hard to get.” I know all those lame Katherine Heigl movies taught you that treating men like shit makes them want you more, but in fact, we don’t care for that at all. We just think you’re a super bitch and move on.
You Looked Like Hell
Sorry to say this ladies, but if you’re hunched over in your chair and we can see your chicken cutlets in your bra while you’re trying to nonchalantly sniff a booger back into your nose, we notice that! You also could just be butt ugly too. That’s a huge possibility.
You’re a Ditz!
If all you can possibly talk about are Princess Kate’s fertility problems and books you’re reading based off movies, then men have no interest wanting to connect with you on a deeper level.
You Smelled Horrible
I love how women think men are impervious to female body odor smells and menstrual blood. If we can tell you have to change your pad or tampon, then you should not be even pursuing a date let alone a husband.
He’s Already Involved With Someone Else
He just wanted to have sex with you and call it a day. At least with this option, your personal hygiene is not being criticized.
His Friend Said You Got Around
Men listen to their buds, no matter how dumb they are. If they say you are a slut, then chances are they will stay away from you. Sad, but true.
He Met Someone Better
Dating can be cruel sometimes. Next time, don’t talk about your Harry Potter obsession for the majority of the date.
You Ate Like A Pig
Next time, don’t order the ribs when you’re on a date. Control yourself! I know you can do it! Chew, chew, chew then swallow.
He Just Wants To Be Friends
Ha! Sorry…I’m just kidding. He may say this but he basically wants nothing to do with you and wants to go away without making a scene.
Here’s a quick poll. Raise your hand if you knew a girl in college who sexually “experimented” with other girls for a period of time. Ok. Now let’s see a show of hands if you knew a guy who did the same thing. Exactly. In today’s society, women are allowed to test the gay waters whereas straight men cannot. So in the spirit of summer, when everyone’s taking a week or two vacation, Nando Rodriguez – creator of Nandoism, the web’s funniest and most helpful relationship advice – explains how the fellas are on the losing end of this double standard, and should take a well-earned Gaycation. - ed.
5 reasons you need a Gaycation, by Nando
1. A Gaycation puts you in a creative mindset. Sometimes being in the same straight relationship gets your imagination stuck in a rut. Playing with a penis, and other male body parts with a companion and a few tequila shooters will set your creative imagination soaring (trust me, 1997 is all the proof I need). You may find that you come up with all sorts of solutions to your current straight relationship woes.
2. It renews your spirit. And by renew I mean anal sex. It’s today’s pork- not enough people put it on their sexual plate. Butt-love allows you to process and think and solve many of life’s issues. As you’re involved in the act, (top or bottom) you can take your frustrations out or just get lost in the rhythm of things. In the end, (no pun intended) you might make it a staple in straight relationship once you see how it revitalizes your senses.
3. It makes your body stronger, fills it with more energy because it needs rest. You penis is tired of doing that whole vaginal thing. It’s giving you signs, like no longer getting “happy” with its “sexy-time”. Take the hint. Taking a Gaycation gives your penis the rest it deserves. While on Gaycation you’ll learn popular techniques like dry humping or the 5 tips to perfect mouth to penis therapy. Don’t you think it’s time to let your penis finally relax?
4. It helps you reset your mind. Even though the mind is a mystery, we do know that it can get tired. Mental fatigue. Getting away from your straight duties on a regular basis helps reset the mind to its peak condition.
To start: things are over with Agent 99. I didn't want to admit this to myself at the time, but he was just a bit... weird. It became apparent that he didn't have many friends. Other red flags popped up, that I'd rather not mention here. I think I was so excited (at first) that here was a guy who really wanted to be someone's boyfriend, that I allowed myself to overlook the fact that he just wasn't for me.
The always eloquent Dating Trooper perfectly summed it up this way: we're both looking for a guy who is dynamic, smart, and confident. This guy was smart, but not the other two qualities. Onward.
This month, I had a work trip to Some European Country -- when I travel, it's usually with four other colleagues, and we work with a few locals in a given location. I knew that one of the locals happened to be a rather hot 33-year-old guy (one of my guy colleagues even commented on this beforehand... sort of a "hey, LV, look at this one...").
Yes, very cute, but as they say: don't shit where you eat. In nine years of doing this type of work, I'd only ever had two flings on the road, and neither were guys we were working with (one was a guy I had dated in NY when I was 25, and had moved to Miami).
Well -- never say never. On the third night of the trip, after we'd all had dinner, and everyone else had gone back to their rooms, Hot Euro asked if I wanted to get a drink at the hotel bar. Sure. Turns out the bar was closed (really? at midnight on a Sunday? The nerve!) -- so we each grabbed a few beers from our minibars, and met up at the empty terrace outside the bar. It was a gorgeous, crisp night, and I loved being out there under the stars and nearly-full moon.
It's worth mentioning that he's somewhat of a local celebrity in this country, but he really only became famous this year. Still, he was recognized just about everywhere we went, all week. He's especially popular with the ladies.
I'd heard all the guy talk between him and my colleagues in the previous days, and it was clear that Hot Euro has no shortage of women interested in him. Over our minibar beers, we wound up talking for hours -- I even noticed that the moon was setting.
Amongst other talk of work and life in general, it came out that he ended a long-term relationship earlier this year, and admitted that he dates a lot. I'm sure this new-found fame doesn't hurt.
Our chairs eventually moved closer and closer, and he finally went in for the kiss. Lots of kissing, out there for hours. We finally went up to my room, though I warned him beforehand: we absolutely would not be having sex that night. And we didn't.
(in truth: I might have slept with him that night, but I was just starting to get my period. But he didn't have to know that...).
This was a particularly memorable moment: in the morning, with Hot Euro still in my bed, I went downstairs to briefly meet with my colleagues. It just felt so illicit, so sexy, to have this secret: here we were talking work, while this naked man was upstairs in my bed! I went back upstairs and we (snogged? cuddled? fooled around? can't decide on the terminology here), before I told him he HAD to get out, as we had to get ready and get the day moving.
That day, amongst my colleagues - business as usual. I'd told him that I didn't want anyone to know about us, and he was fine with that.
After that, we hooked up about every other night, eventually sleeping together. Oh my -- it was really, really hot sex. A little rough. And there was the added thrill of having this secret tryst. Though there was a night when we only got three hours of sleep, which made the next day very difficult indeed.
By the end of the week, it became clear that Hot Euro was losing interest in our evening trysts. Our last night in town, I texted him, asking if he wanted to meet for a drink. No reply. He later zipped past me and my colleagues in the hotel bar, saying he was heading out to a friend's party. I didn't care so much about him making other plans, but I was annoyed that he didn't have the courtesy to reply to my text and simply say so.
I was fuming. I knew that this was just a fling, and had a clear expiration date -- but just a little courtesy, please. I felt that it would be pointless to talk to him about it, and tried to just let it go.
We flew home the next day, and I found that I was still annoyed. And I was annoyed with myself for not being able to drop this.
So I emailed him. And to my surprise, he emailed back: he apologized, saying he hadn't intended to do anything wrong, and hoped we could meet up again someday -- and added that it had been a really fun week.
That email swept away the dark cloud that had been over my head, and I felt satisfied that I could just go back to remembering the fun times of the week. Case closed. (though I do get no small amount of delight in sharing stories of the week with my friends, and showing them pictures of him!)
Now back home in NY. There's a hot young Brazilian currently in the picture... but I've already rambled enough for one day, will save him for next time. Let's just say that I'm officially a cougar.
* ps. good news! I've lost even more weight! Now down to 139.4 -- a total loss of 13.4 lbs! At least five more to go... but I'm already feeling extra confident and fabulous!
Doing a happy dance all around my room and singing “I did it. I did it!!!!!”
Today, on Valentine’s Day no less, I made it to 100 followers and then swiftly to 101. I don’t know why it matters, just that I have hovered near it so long and felt like I would never get those last couple of followers. BEST VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT EVER!! Honestly-ever!
I have to say a special thank you to my last couple of followers that tipped the scale for me, so thanks to: BZ (number 100), Starlight, Sa_Nja_M, and "this is me.". I don’t know who 101 is because it is somebody without a picture and thus went to the abyss of my followers list. L I’m sorry but trust me I’m super grateful. Thank you also to my followers (old and new) who pimped me on their pages and twitter accounts. I really appreciate it. I love knowing that I am reaching more people with my nonsense! J
Onto the regularly scheduled blog content!
It's not always easy to really make me sappy over a love song...loss, heartache, and pain...oh I'll cry...but a love song that really makes me sigh or be wistful and weepy...not quite as easy. There are some though that I really relate to and love and I wanted to share them with you.
A Fine Frenzy-You Picked Me is one of them. Lyrics like: "Like a shell upon a beach, just another pretty piece, but you picked me." and "Like an apple on a tree, hiding out behind the leaves, I was difficult to reach, but you picked me." I'm not always the easiest person to love so this kind of speaks to me.
Of course Dave Matthews has to make the list but this one he is teemed up with Santana...and who doesn't love them! This song is sultry and sexy and makes me think of hot sticky summer nights. I love it!
I love the sound of Alicia Key's voice and this particular song usually brings me to tears. I tried to convince my friend to make it her wedding song but she went with something else. Honestly I think it is just beautiful.
Love is all abouot taking a chance-taking a risk and embracing those butterflies in your stomach. This song to me says it all. I know it's an oldie but it's a goodie and I hope you enjooy my last installment of songs that get me!
I hope that everyone had a good Valentine's Day
or not depending on how you felt. I personally had a great one for being a single gal. The kids I nanny for all wished me a Happy Valentine's Day and the youngest smothered me in love and hugs. It was really very sweet. I got the most gorgeous purple calla lily plant from my parents and though I love it I will most likely kill it since I am horrible with keeping plants alive. I'm going to do my best though.
beautiful plant/flowers!
Have a great day everyone and thanks again! :-) You like me, you really like me!
1:57: My favorite part of the video begins as Carl Thomas returns to the screen to bless us with his “very successful” presence, his unbuttoned blouse reminding us all of when our grandmothers told us not to trust Michael Beach or any other light-skinned man who wears long-sleeved shirts with no undershirt.
Actually, after hearing him talk some (and reading some of the comments attached to this video at Clutch), I definitely think the producer was looking for a “Hill Harper-ass n*gga” to put in his video, and just found the first one he could find. I think I’m just going to call him Phil Farper.
2:10: Not to be outdone by Phil Farper’s Phil Farperness, a guy in a gray H&M blazer says, with a straight face, that he doesn’t have any flaws. Forget Diva Dude, this n*gga’s the motherf*ckin Hope Diamond.
2:20: As the jazz played in every sex scene in every Spike Lee movie ever made plays in the background, the clip ends with another cryptic voiceover about men being pussies and a shot of the DVD this trailer is based on. I think Dr. Buckingham should have chosen a better cover.
I have to say that, as far as trailers where the only women interviewed are in Greyhound station hair salons and the only men interviewed are at Kappa BBQs or prisons go, this wasn’t half bad. With that being said, there wasn’t any new insight. The crackheads selling lawnmowers outside of my barbershop could have told him that “good” Black men are single because they’re either too scared to commit or too full of themselves to even contemplate commitment, and they would have been much more entertaining interview subjects.
You know those assholes who never, ever, ever get sick and always feel the need to remind everyone any chance they get of the fact that they never, ever, ever get sick? You don’t? Well, congratulations. You’ve just met one of those assholes: Me.
I’m the guy who has never taken a true sick day at work and loves to remind people of that; the guy who will rock a blazer and a t-shirt on a 40 degree day and laugh at everyone who says I’m going to get sick; the guy who dated a person who had the freakin swine flu (seriously), slept in the same bed with her two nights in a row, and didn’t get as much as a sniffle.
Now, if this were a movie, the “I never get sick” guy would undoubtedly get some mysterious exotic elephant illness towards the middle of the movie as some sort of karmic payback for him incessantly bragging about his immune system. This character would probably be played by Jim Carrey or Dane Cook, and the title of the movie would probably be “Sick Day” or “No Flu Lou” or some shit.
Boyfriend Gift Guide: The Best Presents To Get Him
Boyfriend Gift Guide: The Best Presents To Get Him
Description
Want to avoid an encounter with your man’s fake ‘This-is-the-best-gift-ever!’ smile? The Life2PointOh team of elves are bringing the genuine holiday cheer!
Plug In: The top items on 20-something guys’ wish lists are electronics! (Are you surprised?) The iPad2 remains numero uno!
Dress Up: He loathes shopping for clothes, so why not shop for him? Frye boots are a hot item on the men’s apparel list!
Cheer On: Every girl knows the way to an athletic guy’s heart is through sports tickets. It’s unanimous – boyfriends love unwrapping tickets to see their fave sports team.
Turn Up: iDocks for the iPod, iPad and iPhone are on the top of many lists. The Ozaki iSuppli Gramo iPhone Charger Speaker is one of the more reasonably priced docks listed in Rolling Stone’s 2011 Rock & Roll Gift Guide and is sure to win “The Best Gift Award” from your man-friend.
Clock In: It may come as a shock, but the majority of 20-something guys in relationships said they’d like a nice evening alone with their girlfriends. (Cue the Awws!) Whether it’s a dinner date or movie night, all they want for Christmas is simple…YOU!
Still not sure what to get him? We asked a handful of 20-something dudes to share their favorite gifts from their lady loves.
“Opera Tickets! She picked a show I had referenced as being my favorite in college and then hid the tickets inside of a ridiculously cheesy zombie book – because zombies are awesome!” – Kevin, 27, NYC
“The best gift I received from a girlfriend was a Swedish massage at a tranquility spa. The reason why this was so special was because I got the massage and was then taken to the spa, where I proceeded to pass out from the extreme relaxation.” – John, 29, Philadelphia
“I’m a huge Lakers fan, so my girlfriend got me a Lakers jersey and tickets to see a game.” – Adam, 22, NYC
“My girlfriend painted a ridiculously amazing picture of the two of us. It was the most meaningful and thoughtful gift.” – Justin, 28, Los Angeles
“My very first girlfriend bought me a vintage record player and some of my favorite albums on vinyl. We eventually broke up, but I still have the record player.” – Mike, 23, Jacksonville, FL
What are you getting your Mr. Sexy Pants this year?
Ah the red flag. Despite its brightness and its incessant waving in our faces, we ladies are still somehow able to ignore it. Why? Because we seem to think it is better to ignore a giant red flag in our relationships, than to be alone.
Trust me, I am not on a high horse here. I am the reigning queen of ignoring red flags. For example – take my “relationship” with D. (aka the guy I was pretty much in love with from ages 18 – 22). Now while I was off at college, studying English, this boy was living at his parents home, not going to college, working a crap job, smoking weed 15 times a day (his estimation, not mine), getting completely blacked out drunk (regularly) and losing his license after getting a DUI. Any one of these things could have been a red flag to me. Clearly, he and I were on different paths. However my little world revolved around him for all those years, simply because I was real good at ignoring the red flags.
But, as I get older and increasingly wiser, I am finding my ability to ignore these warnings is decreasing. With Mr. Not Quite Right, I realized his propensity to get blacked out regularly, was a problem within the first few weeks we were dating. With Mr. Cute but Whiny, I voiced my concerns about his ever-present ex girlfriend on date three. What’s interesting is that even though I recognized the red flags, I was still a little slow on taking action. True these more recent relationships only lasted a few months but, ultimately, these red flags were the things that lead me to dump them. Had I just acted on these red flags in the beginning, perhaps I’d already be dating the perfect guy by now.
This leads me to wonder, just how dangerous is ignoring red flags and what does it say about us that we are so quick to dismiss them? Now I am not advocating dumping someone the second there is something about their personality you don’t like. But when you feel that icky feeling in your tummy that a certain behavior is more than a one time mistake, perhaps it’s time to give this red flag a little more attention. In the long run, it could save you a lot of angst.
Anyone have any super awesome red flag stories? How about one that beats having his ex girlfriend show up on your second date? Yea, true story.
FINALLY had a long talk with New Guy. He told me what has been keeping him preoccupied these days (can't share it here) -- but apologized profusely for being so wrapped up in his head that he was out of touch.
We had the talk on the phone while he was out of town -- not an ideal situation. We're going to meet up this weekend to talk more. I don't hate him -- I still believe that he's a really good guy. But the gist is (and I hate this cliche), that we're in different places right now. I'm looking for something serious, something long-term... and he doesn't know what he wants. I know, I know... only two weeks ago, he was giving signs that he felt otherwise. Will have to address that when I see him in person.
You're probably going to wonder why I'm even thinking about New Guy, when I tell you about the wonderful night I had with Camper.
Camper and I had one of those fabulous (but rare) first dates where you can't stop laughing and smiling and telling stories and just enjoying each other's company. Of course, the difference is that this was a first date with someone I knew 25 years ago. And guess what -- he confessed that he DID have a crush on me back then (how cute!), and thought about looking me up throughout the years. In one of those typical NYC coincidences, turns out we lived just two blocks from each other for a few years in the late 90s. Kooky!
It's just icing on the cake that while he was an adorable teenager, he grew up to be quite a hot guy -- he really is yummy to look at.
Since the date, we've e-mailed, texted and talked on the phone quite a bit. The next date is planned for early next week. I'm looking forward to getting to know him (again), and he's made it clear that he's very excited about me... but a part of me worries that he's romanticizing this, that maybe he's excited because as a former teen geek, he finally "got the girl".
Yeah, I know... I can always find something to worry about!
(just for the record, Camper is first date #119 since my last serious relationship ended over 3 years ago)
Demetra Says:
November 10th, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Dear Carina,
I can see nothing wrong with the guy, everything sounds absolutely normal to me, I know many people who commited as early as that and I dont see any point in being involved with time wasters (you know, the kind of guys who need time to find out whether they are in love with you, they need time to find out whether you’re good enough for them etc etc)
However, I can see one quite serious problem in your relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend. Instead, it has to do with your attitude: Why do you feel the need to talk about him to strangers, expose your relationship in the internet and get “advice” from people who have nothing in common with you?? What makes you think that their opinion matters?? Your relationship is YOURS, and you should respect it, never share details, not even anonymously on the internet. You seem to be well educated, I believe you should try to value your personal life and keep it just for yourself and your partner. Speaking about it will only make people jealous and I dont think there is any point in receiving other peiple’s jealousy.
I hope you are still together with your guy, please keep my advice deep in your mind: Don’t talk about your personal life. Talking too much will destroy any chance of happiness.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 9
Reply
Demetra Says:
November 10th, 2012 at 5:24 pm
I would also like to add that a guy with two phds and professional success is much more into commitment than any other guy. His life is dedicated to his science. All he needs then, is a woman to support him. No time for playing around, no time for silly relationships. As soon as he finds the woman that can offer him nice companionship of a certain level, of course he will commit.
All those nonsense i read above is written about people who have never done anything serious in their lives, have no idea what commitment means and waste their times in useless relationships of the type “let’s go out for months and see how it goes”. Dating for months with 2-3-4 people at the same time, in order to find out who meets your criteria and nonsense… No guy with a serious job and a serious educational background has enough spare time to waste it on silly dating. Being myself a woman with a strong background and several friends in the same position, I can guarantee that.
Good luck with your guy, I wish all the best.
Some of you may remember -- in March I wrote about a guy with whom I had three good dates (so I thought) -- Mr. Recurring. But he met another woman during that time, and decided he wanted to be exclusive with her. End of story.
Today, I found myself thinking about the qualities that I liked in a guy -- smart, sophisticated, well-traveled -- and remembered that he had those qualities. Hm, wonder if they've broken up yet, I thought to myself? So I checked his Facebook page (he's not a FB friend, but has no security blocks to prevent non-friends from reading all the details).
Guess what?!! They're ENGAGED! Not only engaged -- they're getting married in June, only three months after meeting for the first time! (I know this for a fact because she and I share a mutual acquaintance)
I'm not bothered by this on a personal level -- please, he and I only had three dates -- but I'm just gobsmacked at the stupidity of this! Why the rush?
Anyway, best of luck to them -- and thanks for providing great blog fodder!
I agree with everything you said except for one tiny fact, I didn’t do any of those things. On the first date I was exceptionally lady like and my match profile doesn’t have a single mention of male friends or any pictures of a guy. That being said, I should have declined his offer to get together that second night. That was definitely too available… sadly I was just excited because I thought he was cool! Anywho, thanks for reading and for the comment. -Cali
Ha! You’ve GOT to be kidding me, Guy! Clearly the Match.com D-Bag was raised in a barn and I wholeheartedly feel for Ms. Bradshaw for having to be subjected to such an awkward evening. My dear Cali, you were not an ice queen and it was not your fault that he chose to discuss that subject matter. You handled yourself with class!
I have had two horrible experiences with MATCH.COM. The first guy “G” presented himself on his profile to be a low key, looking to settle down, future family man. He turned out to be an overgrown frat boy with 5 roommates (he had a good job, he just liked having that “dorm” feeling)and all he could talk about was beer pong, flip cup, and how much he HATED kids. When I asked why he said he definitely wanted them on his profile his response was “I find you don’t get as many dates when you say you don’t want kids.” I should mention this guy is turning 30 soon.
One of the things I love about working closely with Kenya K Stevens and the
Jujumama family is that we get to solve problems. We enjoy taking an
active role in making the lives of our members better.
We are all living in a world that can be stressful and evoke feelings of fear in us. For that reason it is important that we find ways to cool nerves before conversations. Communication between men and women is very important and can be hampered due to unresolved stress.
In an earlier post called How To Worship A Man I made the suggestion that women take a moment to serve their men up with some oral sensuality and a great big hoagie sandwich before having conversations about deep matters. This stress relieving combination soothes the inside and allows clear minds for us men. A clear mind is better suited for finding solutions rather than wallowing in tension.
To be balanced we had to develop a similar healing ritual for women on edge who need
that special kind of engagement to help ease the stress of the day. I had some help from the Juju family to come up with this great solution and trust me, it works.
Woman Worship Ritual #1
When your woman is pissed, tensed, stressed or over worked, instead of taking it personal guys, sit her down, turn off the television, dim the lights and wash her feet! Bring a bowl of warm water with great soap and just giver her feet a loving soak and wash – you may want to keep a supply of dark organic chocolate nearby so that you can offer it to her during the bath…
When there is drama with the children sit her down and massage her toes and hand her some Godiva. It’s ok to give her some sweet chocolate sometimes. This is a special treat and yo’re training her mind to relax at the sight of a treat, as you’re working the reflexology points in her feet.
When her boss is feeling especially fussy manipulate the meridians in her feet while she nibbles on some nestle. Sure, if you didn’t have time to find the nutrient rich organic dark chocolate, you can grab a Nestle bar on the way home, especially if she called you fussing about work.
I promise she will still be a lil irritated, however you will be all good in her book when you do not take her anger as a personal attack against you. After you work her feet and feed her some hormonal bliss by way of chocolate, you can sit and discuss how to solve the problem. She’ll be more calm and relaxed and you will be the hero!
Trust me, as Carl mentioned in his book, Tame Your Woman, a man who stays above a woman’s emotions, surfs on those emotions like they are waves that cannot take you under, will come out on top! (Maybe literally)
Now I’ve been told that following a footbath and some chocolate, other types of soothing activities could also be very much appreciated, but you have to do your own research on that.
My mom’s friend was having her birthday party. It also doubled as her son’s graduation party.
He grew up with my brother – all the same little league teams and whatnot.
So, I roll to the party with my parents. I know the family. Not thinking too much of it, other than free food and booze.
Cool, I can chill with that to start my Saturday night off. Then, I’ll hit something else up.
So, I roll up there with my parents. Hob-knob with their whole family, since I know them all. Eat some food, drink a couple beers.
A couple of college-age kids show up too. To the total of about 4 or 5 other guys. And 3 girls. All 3 cute.
I catch one of the girls eyeing me at least a couple times when I walk by. But she definitely seems to be there with one of the dudes. They’re definitely together…. but, in what sense? Are they a couple? Friends? Brother and sister? This I can’t tell.
After a little more mixing and mingling (i.e. watching SportsCenter with the men in the family), I decide to work my way into this little college-aged group that’s pretty much kept to themselves the whole night.
A little strategic conversation, and I wind up isolating the guy who was with the girl who was eyeing me. I talk to him for a while, and find out she’s his sister. Ahh, brother and sister. Cool… good thing I’ve befriended him first.
We take a couple of Tequila shots and when we’re in line for another round of Tequila shots, I notice the cousin that I know has isolated the girl I want and they’ve been talking/catching up for a bit now. I get her attention rather shortly for a quick joke about the margarita’s and then go back to paying her no mind. We all take a Tequila shot, and then I mix into the conversation with the cousin and her. After a while, he fades off, leaving me isolated with her, and I game her like normal.
She’s 20, runs track, plans to go to med-school, has a fake ID (which I make fun of for looking “nothing like her”).
I number close in the middle of the conversation. Kino lightly, continue talking to her.
Leave the party once my parents are drunk enough and ready to go home.
When we get home, I hear my mom say to my dad “Who was that girl [Willy] was talking to? She was pretty….”
Don’t let the out of town folks soak up all the culture.
7) Acknowledge your gift. What is that nagging thought or great idea that just won’t go away? It’s your gift. Recognize it, formulate a plan, and getting started letting your light shine.
icon cool How to Have the Best Single Girl Summer Count your blessings and be a blessing. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Babysit for a friend that needs some me-time. Spend some quality time with your parents.
9) Drop any dead weight. If you know he aint sh*t, aint never gone be sh*t, aint never gone be about sh*t, then stop messing around with him. Holding onto old baggage doesn’t leave space for new blessings to come into your life. If being with him makes you feel like crap, STOP IT! The same goes for female friends. If she’s always making jokes at your expense, borrowing money that never gets repaid or canceling plans at the last minute, then she needs to go bu-bye too.
10) Go on multiple dates in one day. Meet one for breakfast, one for a walk in the park, and then one for dinner and dancing. Then meet your girls at the bar and tell them all about it.
You’ll be tired, but you’ll have a great story to tell.
11) When you get all dressed up, you need as many people as possible to see how cute you look so hit at least five spots in one night. You don’t have to stay long, but you do have to make sure everyone sees fabulous you.
12) Pull an ultimate get little. If you go into a party and it’s a dud, don’t stay. Life is too short to be bored. And don’t bother making up an excuse why you have to leave. Just bounce. Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200. Don’t say good-bye, just ghost. Head off to the next par-tay. It’s called the ultimate get little.
13) Know that going outside doesn’t have to break the bank.
Find fun free stuff to do and bring your flask.
Instead of paying $10 for a vodka cranberry, just order the $2 cranberry and pour in the contents of your flask. Instant party and fantastic savings.
Bottom line: it is not about money – it is about EFFORT.
Side note: English is my 3rd language, so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.
Reply
Cali Bradshaw
April 4, 2011 at 2:48 pm #
Hi Elaine, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for summing it up so nicely. It is exactly that – it’s about effort. And hell yes we take a long time striving to look perfect for each date. At the end of the day, I am realizing that more guys than not, see it this way. Perfect example. I went on a date this last week with a very attractive, cool, funny, awesome guy, who (and I can’t remember how this came up) was telling me how he thinks guys should pick up the bill on a date bc it is chivalrous and chivalry is not dead. I pretty much melted right there. That’s what it all comes down to. Woman like to see Men make an effort and we like a little chivalry in our lives.
Thanks for the comment.
Reply
Doug1
April 4, 2011 at 9:25 pm #
My basic principles on who pays are these, and are WIDELY at odds with our OP Cali and most of her crew.
lovelysexybeauty PERMALINK
October 20, 2009 1:33 pm
Hey Tupac – I am not a Rules Girl. No worries though. I am only vaguely familiar with your opinions outside of your devotion to aliasclio, but I am guessing you are not interested in traditional marriage or being with one woman? If so, yes, a woman who doesn’t put out quickly wouldn’t be right for you. It’s all good, everyone should do what’s best for them.
Tupac Chopra PERMALINK
October 20, 2009 2:55 pm
LSB:
You seem to have misunderstood me. What I want or am looking for is irrelevant to the point I made. Which is: if a woman “settles” for me because she can’t snag the brass ring of a better guy and wants someone to just “stick around”, I will catch that whiff coming off of her and you can damn well bet I would NEVER consider any sort of serious relationship with a woman who felt that way about me.
It’s only when the woman’s feelings are TRUE, i.e., when she SURRENDERS, almost against her will to me, that I feel like I could trust her. I would never trust a woman who was able to stuff her sexual feelings into a box in order to dispassionately assess her actions towards me.
In other words, I would only have a serious relationship with a woman who considered me her alpha. Any woman who is too self-controlled is a woman who is making a rational business decision about her relationship, and I might just find myself outsourced when a “cheaper” form of labor becomes available. After all, no hard *feelings*, it’s just business, right?
Hope PERMALINK
October 20, 2009 3:33 pm
Tupac Chopra, you sound like an NF type. Many men are not intuitive enough to feel out if another person’s feelings are true.
And yes, that is ideal. A woman who truly loves a man would not be “settling.”
So I have been giving a lot of thought to my Mistress Series...no you haven't missed anything...I just gave it that name. I know it's just 2 blogs that directly talk about mistress', but I think between the "Mindset of a Mistress", "Hazards of being a Mistress", "Men Who Cheat", "Marriage?" , and others on fidelity, cohabitation, etc...I have blogged enough about my reservations to consider it a theme that has popped up over and over. So I am giving it it's own theme song. I had another blog all planned out for today, but I think we all know that sometimes something happens that those plans change.
I know that not everyone has the time to check out a new song, or cares to for that matter, but I'd really like you to. It's another one by Mumford & Sons. I know you are probably sick of them...but I just love them. This song is called "White Blank Page" and the lyrics have really sparked something in me. I know I'm probably tarnishing a beautiful song by making it the anthem of mistress's but for me it really fits the way I've felt while writing and exploring my last two blogs.
I personally can't just write a blog and then not reflect on it...or write it and not relive the emotions while doing so. So for me all of these past experiences have been brought back up to the surface and have been hard to deal with. I have been putting on full eye makeup every morning...with the hopes that I will avoid crying for fear of having mascara run. I know it sounds silly...but ladies it works!!
Without further ado...here is the song. It's an acoustic version as there is no official video for it yet. Please give special attention to the lyrics.
I truly hope that everyone had a wonderful day. I know that I did. I spent time out at the park enjoying the nice fall weather and the changing colors in the trees. I am sure a blog will follow on that soon. :-) Gotta love fall at the park with the kids.
Well that is very good to know and I will definitely remember that.
Usually when I read criticisms of stereotypes about bisexual people, I end up feeling a bit pressured to be a “respectable” bisexual, as if by being non-monogamous, having no-strings-attached sex, and not wanting to be in a relationship that requires me to have exclusively hetero or same-sex sex I’m “proving” the slutty bisexual stereotype. I don’t think that’s happening on this thread, but I’m curious if others ever feel the same way.
Yeah it’s a shame — I feel like I might be hurting other bisexual people by reinforcing the stereotypes, being nonmonogamous, “slutty” and bisexual. It’s a difficult thing to navigate. I’d be curious to hear what others think.
I’m sorry you both feel caught in the trap that the stereotype sets up, because yes, the pushback against it can often come off as shaming and slut-shaming. One thing that might help, I think, would be for anyone addressing the issue directly to be careful to push back against both the idea that all bisexuals fit the stereotype, AND against the notion that there’s anything wrong with being non-monogamous or ‘slutty’. Because both the stereotyping and the shaming implied in it are hurtful, and turning around to shame fellow bis another way in response isn’t something I’m a fan of. (I’m fairly monogamous myself and not terribly attached to sex of any kind, but that’s just me. Being bi brings enough challenges – I don’t want to add to them for others.)
But as you say, it’s difficult to navigate, and I don’t know of any comprehensive solution. Kyriarchy = you can never win, yeah?
I totally get that. We are in an open relationship. We are rarely with other people, it’s been ages for either of us, but a part of me is like “Great, I’m just reinforcing the idea that we’re ‘greedy’ or whatever”. Then I feel bad for feeling bad because we’re not doing anything wrong, and the behavior of two bisexual people should not be held up as anyone’s example of how we all act, and blah blah blah, vicious circle…
Ashurredly, I totally feel your pain. Well, Val does more than I do, being more evenly bi, but I feel her pain, sort of, so…
I’m a bit nervous about Smiles – we were barely in touch this week, and he cancelled mid-week plans that we’d had – he had a work event that he’d “forgotten about”.
We do have definite plans for this weekend (he’s already called to confirm – good guy). Will have to take a temperature then. I think after four dates, it’s not unreasonable to discuss if we're presently seeing other people – right? I’ll just have to gauge how I’m feeling, what kind of vibe I’m getting from him, etc.
I want to be excited about him, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up. The usual conundrum! You know what “they” say: if you sense someone is pulling away? You’re probably right. Sigh.
Tonight will also be my first chance to ask him about his morning dash from last weekend. I think my approach will be to make a joke out of it and see what he reaction is.
In the meantime: I got an e-mail from H this week – I cancelled our date last week for valid work reasons, and told him I’d be in touch once my work load lightened up. He wrote to check in, to see if I was still buried under work. I think this weekend’s plans with Smiles will determine how I’ll respond.
Remember the guy formerly known as Hot Young Guy, who later morphed into Supreme Dickwad? He texted me one night this week, asking if I’d like to meet for a drink. At 2 am. Dickwad indeed! I decided that no response was the best response.
1) True. Woman aren’t turned on by dicks so much as what one is going to do with that thing. Effort is sexy unless one is repulsive and then it becomes creepy and uncomfortable. It’s sometimes good just for an up the sexual aspect of any flirting and picture sending.
2) Solid however there’s no such thing as a good girl and you should try women.;)
3) Sort of solid advice.
4) Keep that shit to yourself if you know what’s good for you.
There is some truth here, in the sense that women are mental not visual.
Dick pics are just weird and superfluous. I always think of them as the man “playin’ your game baby” (apologies to Barry White). Women are not ostensibly wired as such.
A whisper into the ear of your female of the ways in which you are going to use your kit on her is much, much more effective.
True story. In 1973 a girl in my high school kept asking me to “come over”. Of course I was too beta and never showed up. A few years later she appeared in the centerfold of “Hustler” which at the time was published in the Dayton/Cincinnati area. Imagine my chagrin when one of my buddies whipped out the centerfold and asked if she looked familiar. Damn fine body too, like an Aryan ideal.
Wait till you get a message saying something like, “brb going to have a shower”
Then, I use “pics or don’t believe” and it has worked numerous times
That’s a good one actually. I thought the only non creepy way to get sexting is when she initiates first but I do like your idea.
I use this one a lot too. It’s retarded (“I went to vic secret today!” “I’m going to need photographic evidence of this.”, as if she’d be lying about showering or shopping), and she knows it, but if the attraction is there she’ll lol and take/send a pic and you can escalate it from there because like someone else mentioned, her doing it the 2nd, 3rd, etc. time is just repeating an action she’s already done so she’s less hesitant about it.
Post-divorce life is turning out to be very interesting
Post-divorce life is turning out to be very interesting
Description
We're holding hands more than we ever have. It's familiar but new and exciting. We often have sleepovers at my place and, in the blackness of night, as the ceiling fan sighs a gentle tune, I tangle my legs in his.
He winks at me sometimes in a serious way and I giggle stupidly because I've never been the kinda gal that likes to be winked at in any manner, let alone seriously, but I know what's behind the wink. He knows me so well, and is aware I'm not the kinda gal that likes to be winked at, so he does it to make me laugh but also because he wants to be the kinda guy that winks at his girl in a serious way and so what the hell? I can dig it.
I see flashes of the guy I divorced. The one who I decided I could no longer live with more than a year ago, but I see a whole lot more of the man he became during our divorce—someone consciously choosing to be different, better, wiser.
Now, when I see that other guy emerging, I try to react in ways that will defuse instead of ignite. Instead of working against him, as I did when we were married, I work with him as a teammate, someone who recognizes my partner's weaknesses and wants to help him overcome them instead of highlighting his bad points in my desire to win the argument, as I would have previously. The difference within our relationship is astounding.
We realized that everything isn't going to be magically better this time around. We will inevitably still fight the same old fights; we just need to do it better, be wiser, let things slide and get on with the business of living. We know the alternative.
That's not to say he's the one that needs to do all the changing. If anything, he's a better person than I. He puts up with me, doesn't he? I struggle with emotional vulnerability. I have spent 38 years building up walls and pushing away people, including him. I feel safest relying on no one but myself so it's difficult to let him see my softer side, if it even exists.
If he does slip up, if he does behave badly—and he has—I do my best not to hold it against him like I used to. I let it go because I know he's trying. He appears to be affording me the same courtesy. Instead of opponents, we are now teammates.
That doesn't mean everything is sunshine and rainbows. When we first started hanging out with each other after a year of separation and divorce, we were on our best behavior. We were so high on the initial buzz of being together again that when old issues arose within the new relationship, we were terribly disappointed, thinking it meant we still sucked as a couple. We almost let it ruin us a couple times—nearly gave up—until we realized that everything isn't going to be magically better this time around. We will inevitably still fight the same old fights, we just need to do it better, be wiser, let things slide and get on with the business of living. We know the alternative. Spent the past year living the lonely, frightening, soul-crushing alternative.
We are no longer 'separating, together,' as the title of this column suggests. The story of our separation has been told. This is the last chapter, which means this column has reached its natural conclusion. We now find ourselves divorced and dating each other—a place I find very comfortable, maybe even more comfortable than I ever found marriage. We are working together to define a new relationship that works for both of us. Creating parameters based on what feels right and good for us instead of automatically stumbling down a path society has deemed the right or appropriate way to share your life with someone. Mom.me has asked that we continue to chronicle our relationship journey with videos and we have agreed. We hope you'll join us when He Said/She Said debuts right here on Mom.me.
I don't know what the future holds for us. If I've learned anything this past year, it's that happily-ever-afters don't exist. Yes, life is what we make of it and we should try our hardest but sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. The people we love inevitably change and their personal decisions are not within our control whether together for 6 months or 50 years. Love your hardest, but sometimes letting go is necessary. Who knows what will happen? Look at us.
We're taking things a day at a time and trying to enjoy the beautiful little family we have worked hard to create since we met one hot August night in Salt Lake City ten years ago.
Me and my boyfriend just got back together, we were broken up for 7 months. Our past relationship sucked we were basically roomates who hardly talked that seen each-other before going to sleep. I’m pretty sure the way he act, he was cheating than.. Anyways I lost my virginity to my boyfriend we’ve been together 3 years he’s also 7 years older than me.. The other night we went out partied with our friends and my boyfriend left me behind at a bar for hours I waited eventually went home with our guy friend.. I was just catching a ride home then next thing you know we’re making out (passionately something I haven’t felt in years) I pushed em off and said we had to stop and somehow from agreeing that, it started back up again and went too far… I even told this guy he’s only the 2nd guy I’ve been with and he took it as a compliment which pissed me off, when I said we had to tell my boyfriend he said not too to deny it. I waited all day yesterday til it ate me apart went to my BF’S job he took lunch without me saying anything he cried hysterically. I wish I were capable of lying but I know I’m not these days I don
t KNOW what I’m capable of considering the mistake I’ve made. I looked at him and I told ‘em “I’m sorry, I wish I could lie to you and take away your pain. I deserve what ever you decided and I respect it. Just know what I did was selfish I was a selfish pig and it had nothing to do with you. I’ve only hurt myself doing what I did because hurting you like this is the last thing I’ve ever want… or feel I’d never want to be responsible for the hole I created in you.”
He forgave me and asked if we could pretend nothing happened? I can’t do that I feel dirty cheap disgusting whore. Any advice for a girl who cheated?
And since we’re talking about Black history, you ever notice how disposable R&B is nowadays? It’s no secret that one of my favorite songs of like for-f*ckin-ever is Rihanna’s “We Found Love”, a song about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited…but then the police show up. Aww.
Well I haven’t heard this song in probably two weeks now and I don’t miss it at all. You know what I do miss? That snake playing the bongos I saw down by the riverside. And this is a song that is still a Top 5 song on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. And yet, it’s completely disposable. So is Rihanna for that matter. In fact, you could take every song that Rihanna has made and put somebody else on them and there’s a good chance the song would be as good if not better. Would they be as successful? Probably not. When you’ve got a trainwreck wrapped in a pretty package leading the charge people are going to lineup to contribute to her downfall. Hell, I bought two copies of Loud for that reason. I’m convinced she’s a lesbian skydiving future rehab recidivist waiting to happen. America, f*ck yeah.
What’s my point again? Ah.
Ever since R&B gave way to this merger between pop and club music artists have been making more and more music that sounds good for a week in the club and then pretty much loses all steam once it fades from the charts, and by default, pop radio. Two of my favorite songs of last year were Chris Brown’s “Beautiful People” and Black Eyed Peas “Just Can’t Get Enough”. Do you know that I had to look up the name of the B.E.P. song?
Think about that, I couldn’t remember the name of my favorite song from last year and the group performing it features a white woman, a Black man who dresses like a white woman who dresses like a gay astronaut, a Mexican and something called Apl.de.Ap. At best, ONE of them actually eats black eyed peas. If that’s not memorable I don’t know what is. But it isn’t. Hold me. Pop music has long been moment music and short-term fix sh*t. But now that every damn R&B song has the same format and features a random assortment of various artists, nobody will be caring about this music years from now. Or weeks for that matter.
Now, I know I sound like an old grandpa complaining that music has lost its way blah blah blah. So what, f*ck your couch. Eat the pound cake n*gga. But I do kind of wonder what the hell folks will be listening to a few years from now. Granted music tends to be cyclical, but it really has been a while since any artist made a contribution to R&B that might actually be listenable a few years from now.
Nope. Now I’ve got nothing but fistpump soul. You know what that is. You ever been to a party with a bunch of white people and everybody just keeps jumping up and down and pumping their fists in the air. Real spit, white people are some real athletes. They do that sh*t for hours on end. It’s actually pretty impressive if you think about it. Black folks get it in for a minute then we all take breaks so the guys can regain their composure and the women can do the weave-pat.
And since “neo-soul” tends to suck as a rule – including Jill Scott’s later output, yeah I said it – its no wonder Black people keep losing our stronghold on all of our music. Let me be clear though, I love most pop music and listen to it with reckless abandon in my car. I’m the Black guy in the d-boy car that’s confusing you at the light because he looks like he may rob you but he’s singing what sounds like a Taylor Swift song.
Oh who am I kidding, its totally a Taylor Swift song.
But pop music is not R&B, and its not soul. But when all of your R&B artist and “soul” artists abandon ship in order to attempt to keep up with the Jones who are making songs at 185 BPP with the exact same drum pattern but a different melody, then the entire genre is going to lose itself like Eminem in a movie with Mekhi Phifer wearing a mop.
So what’s the point of all this randomness that you just read? Glad you asked. It’s this, what the f*ck happened to R&B? When D’Angelo lost his sh*t did the entire genre lose it? Usher’s Confessions is the last album that I can remember that was both a blockbuster AND was a really good R&B album. And that was in 2004.
So I ask you the same thing that Kanye asks himself after he lifts weights: does anybody make real sh*t anymore? Or is mainstream R&B a thing of the past? Is anybody making music that we’ll be listening to a few years from now?
many thanks to ALL of the above comments and the time you all took to give me thoughts to chew on. I just want to be clear that I am discussing sexual attraction, and am not delving into the nuances of long term love potential. Yes, sex can lead to love and as my ace boon Dumi reminds me, cutting off sex is often cutting of love possibilities. And though both love and sexual attraction are complicated and politically constructed, there is something, at least in the most primal sense for me, that doesn’t let me point a finger at feminism for a lack of recipricated sexual interest. I also want to be clear that though our discussion of men here can be broad, the author in the original CFC post seemed to be speaking specifically of intellectual/progressive men who, I am assuming, would not be put off or disinterested in dating feminist women. The play of feminism into our romantic lives as women can play into a RANGE of outcomes, including men who are turned on, patriarchs who want to prove we’re sham and just need to be subdued by good dick, men who are turned off because they can’t take no head-strong woman poppin off bout that woman power bullshit, and my personal favorite, THE FAKE MALE FEMINIST (names redacted to protect the innocent).
This conversation is really rich. I hate that I even interrupted it. Carry on.
Sofia
July 15, 2010 at 1:59 pm
First, I’d like to take a poll. How many of the women here have been or know of another woman who has been told any variation on the following statement. Mind you, I do mean EVER – by a person of any sex or gender identity, on a date, in the workplace, at the family BBQ.
Austin seems to be a 3-5 date town. By that I mean, the social expectation of sex on a date seems to fall between the 3rd to 5th date. Its a generalization, I know. My conservative spiritual friends would be appalled — but then, they also tend to group date and that would be more than a little awkward to explain when you aren’t supposed to be having sex till marriage anyway.
But when I go out with large groups and the dating topic comes up, I ask the question of when guys and girls “expect” to be expected to have sex. 3-5 is the answer. (the guys leaning towards 3 and the girls leaning towards 5)
So, if Austin is a 3-5er, what is New York? 1-3? I know LA is more along the 1-3 lines, Atlanta is much longer — more like “we’ve exchanged I love you’s and I don’t feel like I have to send you a thank you note after a date.”
What is the general sexpectation in the city where you live? Do you find that there are expectations or it’s just a go by experience kind of thing?
In my mind, this was not a story about sexuality or slut shaming. Many of the contributors seemed to shoehorn that angle in to the story in order to make it relevant to their respective blogs. I was aghast at reading on blogger’s query as to why society wasn’t acknowledging or embracing the young woman’s expression of her blossoming sexuality in the way they would her love of field hockey. This was not an act of one’s curiosity about sex. In fact, I don’t believe sex had anything to do with it. The take away for me was that, despite the inordinate number of ways people can connect through technology, these young children felt alienated and in need of attention. The young girl who sent the picture of herself naked to her boyfriend wanted him to like her, not fuck her. The girl who initiated the mass spread of this text was acting out her own inner turmoil and aggression. The other real issue that this story raised, besides the alienation and anger these kids are experiencing, was how brutal females can be to each other, and the origins of such a Lord of The Flies mentality. This was not a case of “slut shaming.” These are children. They have no idea what the words they say even mean. When I was their age I thought the word “fa—t” was harmless. It sounded funny. I was not gaybashing or expressing homophobia. I was expressing my immaturity. When I matured and learned what the word meant, and how it was used to hurt people, I stopped saying it.
While I thought this contribution to the “insomnia club” was the most articulate and thought out, I feel the rest tragically missed the mark because they were blinded by their own need for attention. While I loved your piece as a stand alone, in sum this particular installment of this “club” came off as an egregious bid for self-promotion.
A network of bloggers who have established a self-anointed hierarchy amongst themselves commenting on the dangers of “groupthink mentality?” (Two words: Unfollow Friday) People who attack and attempt to emasculate men for their own amusement are outraged when women’s sexuality and sexual choices are judged and questioned? The shaming, ridiculing and criticizing of men on a blog? Violating their privacy by printing their private communications to their blog for all to see and mock? The constant one sided tolerance towards those who do not think like them? Their own behavior mirrors this story in so many ways.
I am married for 11 years with 3 kids. Have a wife who i like (i like her face, i am attracted to her, i like to have sex with her but i do not use the word love because i am not a teenager). For me sex is not intercourse. I want her to hold me from behind when I feel cold or when my back hurts. I want to hold her from behind when she wants to turn other side. There is nothing better than holding soft and warm breasts. Yes that’s me. So who is stopping. Well she will be asleep before you even realize. I keep passing remarks to make the mood whole day and then there she is nicely asleep. Well that’s fine. I can still hold her from behind if I want. Yes, for that you may have to get within 4 layers of cloth. Who sleeps in tight t shirts with full bra and a panty and thick pajamas? And if are thinking i should be saying this to the right person. Well, that’s what i have been doing for the last 11 years but of no good. I get some string lingerie to spice up. keep it in open view. No reaction except that ‘i find those uncomfortable’. Seriously, did i ask her to go to her work in that.
I can not hurt my wife because she is the mother of my kids and because I am her only love. Yes, she still uses the words like love. I don’t know what that means though. And she claims she does everything possible for me. For me that everything just includes that one thing. I can cook, i can clean, i can play with kids. And many other cans. And I do all those cans. Still she misses even clear hints of what i have been waiting for a week, 2 weeks, a month or even more. Either she is dumb, or she does not care or she is too lazy or she really gets tired by end of day. And a man’s ego would not let him beg for sex. You can talk more than enough times but after that it starts sounding like begging. At that point you stop and your anger and frustration starts showing up on the family and you end up not doing sex even when she tries to make you happy after realizing after a month or so that this idiot must be unhappy because of that. Seriously.
For me, I am so egoist that I can not have sex with a paid pro. Sex is satisfying only with the person you know and you also know that she needs sex. And probably that’s why i think a dating site where men and women with common requirements meet would be more satisfying. It will still be a bit dicey and risky. I will always be comfortable sleeping full nude on top of my wife but always be alarmed with any other person. But who will explain this to her. Not me. I am done . I would rather keep that anger burning till it explodes into prostitution or tinder.
Now, about Emily’s observation that married men are on tinder. No dear. A very minor percentage of all those unhappy souls are on tinder or cupid. But of course many like me are there reading and writing on the net. Taking out the frustration and also learning from some experienced commenters that cheating is not worth and then going to bed a bit re-leaved to start another day.
I have a utopian view of the world in which everyone is their own person and people love each other freely and there is no need for jealousy. In this world, new relationships broaden the worlds, not only of the people in them, but of their entire communities as well. This is a pretty hippie-like version of peace, love and understanding and all the crap that goes along with that -- like hemp pants, compost and organic farming.
And then I wake up. And I live in the real world where being single at almost-30 is frightening. Why? Because I'm alone. I'm not talking about being alone in a not-having-a-partner way. I'm talking about being alone in another way -- in the way where my communities have faded, my friends are tied up with their family or with their marriage and I don't seem to have any peers.
Where have all my peers gone? In my town, I have ONE uncoupled friend of my age.
And lets face it. There is a difference between being uncoupled in your early 20s and being uncoupled in your early 30s.
And I'm not talking about pressure to couple. I am talking about finding peers. It is more common for folks in their early 20s to be single and to be exploring the world and to have friends in the same place.
Of course, it was never common for me. My two best friends were both married by the time I turned 22 and had been coupled long before that. I've always been the sole single girl in my inner circle. But my outer circle has been full of intelligent, smart women in their early-mid 20s.
So why, after 10 years, is it suddenly so much more horrifying to be the only single in my Singlutionary world?
Peers. They're harder to come by. Supposedly there are tons of single women in their 30s on this earth but I never meet them. And just because I meet another single woman in her early 30s doesn't mean that we have anything in common! She might be divorced or have children or she might be a rabid racist chicken hater or an exercise nazi or plenty of other things which are totally acceptable but which I am not.
Or she might be might just want to talk about how she is so sad without a mate.
I get bored with that. I do it enough myself in secret moments of weakness and then am ashamed to have dishonored my Singlutionary costume in such a way (my Singlutionary costume is made of orange spandex).
I have plenty of ways to meet people. I meet people as part of my job. I've found that dog people are often single. So that is a start. I love dogs. I love singles. Single dog people = double rainbow of joyfulness.
Which brings me back to this blog. I've got peers here. Plenty of them: The folks who read this blog, the folks who comment and the folks who write their own wonderful blogs about being a happy single. And I have my one wonderful late 20s real-life single friend.
And I have my dates. Chronically single men vying for a chance to bone me who don't know that I'm really just looking for a peer.
Where do you find your Singlutionary peers -- no matter what your age or place in life? Life is about change -- and more often than not -- our best friend's lives don't change at the same exact moment and in the same exact way that ours do. So, while it is totally possible to maintain relationships with coupled parent friends, it is also good to seek out people who are in a more similar place in life.
Where do you find them? How do you identify them? And how to you form a real life community as strong as this one here online?
But despite the steady stream of calm and inner peace I feel, I still combat nagging self-doubt in moments of weakness. Seeing the objectively hot women that Gym Guy hooks-up with and listening to comments from readers hammering home the fact that he’s gorgeous – possibly too gorgeous for the likes of me – totally slapped me over the head with some much-needed reality.
So, now that the flame of my crush has been snuffed out, I’m a little sad. But – and this is the best part – I’m not sad enough that I head to that place in my mind where I beat myself up. Eh, it was fun while it lasted. Next.
That’s the old me, the woman who took things on the chin and rebounded quickly. I remember her.
I’ve missed her.
This is the one last area where we can finally feel special, feminine, and taken care of. Today, guys hardly have to put in any effort to date a girl: a simple poke on facebook, a text, etc. The least you can do is reaffirm that yes, you give a shit, and for a guy – the best way to do that is to pay for the meal. If you can’t afford a fancy dinner, take us to the local mexican place you love. It’s NOT about the money – it’s about making us feel like you care and are excited to date us.
(p.s. good to know you like it when we go for our wallet, i usually do – and am pleased if he says he is covering it.)
Reply
Cali Bradshaw
March 21, 2011 at 8:21 pm #
Bwhahahah, warcraft. Love it. Thanks Lex and excellent point about the other many double standards out there and that we would much prefer a $5 burrito that is paid for us than a fancy dinner you can’t afford. Thanks for the comment!
Anyway, after writing some of that "serious" profile material, I added a top ten list a la David Letterman. It's silly, but I like how it lightens things up. And judging by the number of responses I've gotten from women since then, including women writing to me first, it's worked.
Here's the list.
Top ten reasons why you might want to go on a date with me:
10. You won't have to do a Google Search to find my pulse.
9. Someday, you might get to pet my neighbor's cats.
8. I occasionally get chased by dogs while biking.
7. The police won't suddenly appear while we are on a date to execute an arrest warrant.
6. I have never had cosmetic surgery to remove the tattooed name of an ex-girlfriend from my chest.
5. I'm not given to long winded stories about gettin' blitzed or marathon games of World of Warcraft.
4. My relationship status on Facebook is not "It's complicated."
3. You might learn how to turn the weeds in your backyard into medicine.
2. I'm fully clothed in all of my photos.
And the number one reason why you might want to go on a date with me:
1. Because dating Harley dudes and golf addicts hasn't worked out too well.
Now, although I did date someone for a short time following putting this list up, mostly it's just increased the correspondence volume. So, who knows if it will bring someone into my life for the long haul or not. But maybe, at least, I'm sparking a few smiles and chuckles. Which is vastly needed amongst all those profiles out there that are dull, filled with painful comments and past miseries, or are, like mine was, just too serious.
6jackie February 21, 2010 at 3:39 AM
MG, truer words were never spoken. It is all about the flow and when it’s there, you go with it. BTW, you know a conversation we had inspired another piece on here, yes?
xo
jfb
Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
Reply
7Sherell February 22, 2010 at 11:05 PM
Grat read and Interesting, but I disagree. I have gone on many first dates and realized that the guy was not for me, so certainly no sex. Great for you and others that don’t hold it against women but I have friends that have met women, and discounted them because they gave it up too soon. They relegated them to thejump off category. Some guys actually test women to see they will give it up. I do not agree with it but it happens.
Personally, I like to spend some time getting to know the person, even when I am sexually attracted to them. For me intimacy is better when I know someone. No hard or fast rule on the timing, just when it feels right. It could be 1 month or 2 or even less. In some cases, something came up that changed my decision.
Me and Mark are going to go out, when one of Mark’s friends hits him up. His friend Roger wants to come hang with us and talk to girls or whatever. So fine, after a sojourn at Roger’s house, we all head to the club. Mark has talked Ronnie up to me for awhile — ‘he’s slept with like 200 girls’ type of stuff. I was excited to meet him. Maybe I could learn something.
Turns out, Roger’s a really good looking guy. Whatever, he could still have mucho insight into the bodacious art scoring with chicks. We all get to the club and get inside. Roger elects to sit at some tables for a bit, and he says he’s gonna ‘show us the ropes.’ 30 minutes go by with him talking about life, and I’m starting to notice that none of this shit makes sense to me. It’s all woo-woo ‘just be yourself’ shit. Mark is enthralled, though. At the end of the half hour (I was checking), he lets slip that he ‘lets the girls come to him.’ At that point, I’m like ‘well I can’t learn anything from this guy.’ He starts talking more than a little shit about the whole cold approach attitude. I have my quota of sets to open, and I’m done talking to a dude who is going to just sit and stare at chicks all night.
I go and open a set — a 6, a 5.5, a 7, and a 7.5 at a table. By now, I can say the opener in my sleep, and I do the whole 45 degree angle, over the head style. I’ve also just started naturally talking really fucking loud. So, I address the 7.5. with the drug dealer opener.
Her: Hmmm, (a quirked grin) I don’t know, what do you guys think…
(her friends erect a wall of apathetic bitch pikes against my cavalry charge)
Me: (pointing to 5.5) Hey, are you a hairdresser?
5.5: (flat) No. None of us are hairdressers.
Me: (grinning huge) You’re a fucking firecracker.
6: You should go away.
Me: (feigning intense sadness, tilting head) Why?
(7 snickers, 7.5 is remaining silent…)
7: Well you know, we’re just all sitting here having some girl talk.
Some of my friends think that sex is like a game of The Price is Right.
In a game of The Price is Right, the host reveals a standard household item. He asks, how much is this item? The contestants and crowd shouts out prices for the item. Women love this show because, well, we love to shop. There is also another version of this game that some women love to play: Is the Price is Right for Sex?
In the sex version, the host asks how much is it worth? Women in the crowd shout out and all have their own, completely unique answers. This is much like the scenario with my friends. They all think that sex has a price. One thinks it is worth 3 dinners and a movie or two. Another thinks it’s worth 2 months of dating. Another thinks it’s a night of really deep, soul connecting conversation. And we all know a girl or two who thinks it’s worth a lifetime of marriage.
Personally, I think all of these answers are very sad. After I told one of my friends to ‘just go have some sex’ (after listening to her complain for an hour about how badly she wanted her ex back so she could have sex) she replied, but if I had sex with someone right now, then I would be giving away something free to some guy who doesn’t deserve it. Um…hello? Am I the only one that believes women get something out of sex too? I say as long as you have sex with a man who gives a crap about reciprocating, or screw it, even if you can take charge and the job done yourself while you’re with him (or bring along a vibrator), then why can’t sex be an equal trade? You both get off, climax and then feel better. That’s it. Why does it have to be so complicated and pricey?
Cali Bradshaw
November 17, 2011 at 1:28 am #
Uhhhh no – she is spoiled. Stop paying, my dear! If you are friends, there is absolutely no reasons that you should be paying every time. In other news, congrats to you for being so gentlemanly. Whoever does date you is a lucky girl :) Save your money for that pretty lady!
Thanks for reading,
Cali
Reply
Single Steve
March 21, 2011 at 8:10 am #
I will always pay. Always. I feel really really awkward (image that, me awkward) if a girl I’m dating pays. And the only way that would happen if she’s the kind that will forcefully grab the check, while you’re both tugging at it, threatening to make a scene unless she pays. I prefer when she pseudo grabs for your purse, then I politely say “I’ve got dinner”.I think it’s a nice gesture if she pays, but not necessary. I’m not saying you’re incapable of paying, but there’s no reason for you to pay.I get overpaid to sit in my cube and smash buttons, I insist I pay for dinner and drinks.
Reply
Cali Bradshaw
March 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm #
See, Steve, you are a stand-up guy. And there really are quite a few guys out there that are like you. These type of guys give me hope :) Yes, the pseudo purse grab is a favorite of mine and I like your point about being overpaid to sit in your cubicle. I didn’t want to get all controversial, and bring up the whole, men make more than women deal, BUT they do. In fact, pretty much every guy I have ever dated made quite a bit more than I do. Does that mean he has to pay – no. But it means I certainly appreciate it when he does.
